When I was all alone, sick in the hospital and busy on telling my friends not to visit me because its not a big deal while on the other hand telling you to visit me and telling my self that if you come, maybe second chance might work on us.
Its been more than 5 years since we broke up and in you term since I left you and go on my own way.We were young and naive back then; nothing would have worked out that time that’s why I let go.
YES…I chose to hurt you, I chose to leave and chose a better future for the both of us.
5 years and my heart is still in your hands. to make it clear and simple, what i want you to know is that I’m still in love with you and I’m praying to God that He’ll make a way for us to work out, again. We both finished a degree and we’re not in high school, when that hits me, the first thought I have is maybe now is the right time for us.
But I guess when my heart is still in your hands until now, yours have already moved on. I could tell that because at the time I needed someone to care for me you weren’t there and you crashed whatever hope I have for us.
Extroverts! We’re Loud, we are bunch of craziness inside,we love social gatherings and we love to have a smile on our face every single time while Introverts? your really quite, you’re so shy, you often speak plus you have a very limited reaction to my jokes and mostly you love to be alone which makes me want to disturb you and annoy you every time, I mean every single time! I always pull you out of your comfort zone, You met a lot of my friends which soon enough became your friend too.Though they always said that the only reason why you introvert have friends or social life is that because we found you.
Well the truth, I only find courage to continue my life because you keep me; I’m loud because I try so hard not to hear the voices in my mind, I have crazy ideas because mostly I want to be free from my life and I always have a smile in my face so that people will not notice how much I cried last night, but you…your my introvert friend who’s there to save me; how much you’re always there to listen when everybody in the party is going home, you stay with me until the time I’m tired of wearing my smile and uncover that I’m fragile inside or that I’m actually broken.
You were their when I thought everyone’s gone, your shoulder somehow is always ready for me to cry on, your ears are never tired of my complains and deep thoughts, you arms never miss to catch every time I fall or every time I fail, you were their supporting me, cheering me up and keeps on reminding me how much this life is worth it, so to my introvert friend thank you.
At the end of the day no matter how many times she smile and laugh with you, she’s not okay; deep inside her are things she can’t explain, things she can’t express or she doesn’t have the courage to let you know. No matter how hard she tries; telling herself that everything will be fine, everything will be right and everything will pass at the back of her mind she just wish for her life to pass away. It’s an unending thought of how this world is much better without her, how she doesn’t know how to fixed her problem and how she can’t tell it to someone else because they would just look down on her and tell her that what she’s facing right now is petty.
Do you even notice how good she is in pretending to be okay while having a war on her mind; so please stop telling her that it’s okay because it’s not! Do you even know what it’s like?, In the morning she find it so hard to wake up to convince her self that this day; she will be happy, that this day that heavy clouds will not hinder her and that for once she will feel like herself again because she miss herself too and she hates it when she cries without reason and when everybody’s asking her but she doesn’t know it too tears just flow and her heart just suddenly sink.
So when you see her please stop asking why,stop telling her to care for other people, stop telling her how much your life is worse than what she’s experiencing right now because she already know and she want to stop too but she can’t, that in what ever she does this sadness and depressing thought just came in and tears just suddenly flow down her eyes.Stop telling to be okay because she’s not and sometimes to support her you just need to shut your mouth and listen to her; even if you don’t understand a thing that she’s saying, no matter if your against her thoughts and even if you just don’t get it, just shut your mouth because she doesn’t need your sermon, she just needs YOU.
I’ve been leaning on you ever since I was born and even before I open my eyes. You were great in teaching me everything that I know today and thank you for bringing life to me but I think its time but before I get there….
Mama, you thought me almost everything I know about etiquette and good manners, how to get along with people and how I should respect everyone no matter if they’re older or younger than I am. You are the strongest person I know and I hope someday I will have the strength to face this life the way you do it but mama it’s time. Papa, you thought me how to love and how love is not perfect but we’ll always find ways to fix it and how to never give up. You make me laugh even at my saddest days, you know how to make my tears stop and how to make me smile. Thank you because you’re the only person who’s there to support whatever I want. Papa, now I think it’s time. To my parents, you will not like what I’m about to say because I know you love to take charge, you want to make sure that I will live well and you want to make sure that I’ll walk the path that you laid long time ago but I have to speak up now.
Mama and papa; do you remember that when I was a young I learn how to walk after so many tries and sometimes I even get hurt in the process, it’s the same way today in my life; you may not accept this but it’s time to let me make my decisions, you have to let me make mistakes and you have to accept that I’ll have to face my consequences. Yes, I will have problems and I will surely cry when that happens but you have to let me experience the pain in life because that’s the only way for me to learn how to stand up and as much as I want to respect you and follow what you want, I’m sorry because I want to take my steps in a different path.
I want to enjoy life and look back someday not regretting anything even the times that I got wounded, beaten and at times I want to give up. Mama and Papa don’t worry because I will still keep in touch and I will still consult you because I acknowledge that you are ahead of me and you will always know better than I do but please it’s time to believe in yourself that your baby that you used to teach and help is now an adult. You have to trust yourself that you did a good job in raising me.
Fourth year college is equals to: deadlines,thesis,terror prof. (Who doesn’t care about the fact that you want to graduate), conflicts and none stop drama in life.Also fourth year college is where fear builds up the most:the fear of not passing, the fear of the unknown future, the fear of what’s going on right now, the fear of disappointing your love ones and the fear of the unending ‘what ifs’ and ‘why not’ ,but in spite of all that you tried to be positive and for once you want to believe in yourself thinking that everything will be “okay” but as usual your best will never be enough it will always be; almost done, almost pass , almost did it but it never goes according to the way you planned it to be. You not knowing what to do, not know whom to tell and not knowing anything anymore wants to end everything.
Every time, you want to disappear or you want to give up remember that everything will pass and move on, so you too should go on in life and move forward; I know how hard it is to chill with all the things in your shoulder but once in a while think back and look why you’re doing this: I hope it is not to make everyone happy or proud of you or to think that you just have to do this for people to acknowledge your existence, I hope that reason will always be because you want it, because it will make you happy and proud. It’s because you finally want to say that “YOU DID IT!”. Finishing your degree is not for everyone but it’s for you; so when everything is going in a bad direction look back to the first time you entered this university/college in fear of everything and now just one more year, just two more semester this will all be worth it.
“The Sad thing is, Suicide doesn’t end the pain it just passes it to someone else.” anonymous
Let’s not hurry on finding love because I promise you that I will wait for you; You will see me in the right time but as of now let us focus on ourselves, so that when the day comes, that I have to submit to every decision that you will make, it won’t be hard for me because you have given God the time to confront me on how I should change my attitude and not be a brat on every situation, so when the time comes that I will have to serve you everyday of our lives, I won’t be getting tired because you have given me time to serve in the church and learn on how I should do everything with love and compassion, so that no matter how opposite we might be, I will not let go of you because you let me see how God has been holding me; Even at the times that I tried running away from Him, He never stopped pursuing me, telling me how faithful He is to me and how love should be unconditional.
You see, I will never be your typical “girlfriend material” because I am not fit to be one of them. I was born a princess, set apart from the rest of the world. I will not go outside and copy everything that’s on T.V or social media, I won’t even look on “what’s trending” , I don’t really care about all those because in the crowd of “many fishes, I will be a dolphin” ,
I will not be like them, I will be the woman whose fit to be with a king not to be with a soldier
I am destined to marry a leader whose heart is to serve people, I was born to be a support of my future husband not a boyfriend.
I will not play the game of “dating limbo”. No I will never just date you, because I will not enter a relationship just to fill in my cravings for affection or to receive your word of affirmation just to be secure; That I look pretty, that I am happy and that you complete the emptiness in me, because honestly you didn’t. I want you to see me as a whole person, the woman who can lend you a shoulder to lean on when you had a rough day at the office, or simply just be there for you when there are a lot of things that you just can’t figure out. I want you to be attracted to me because you saw the genuine joy I had, how you don’t have to fill in the pain that my past brought in my life, how you don’t have to work so hard and make a lot of effort just to make me smile, how you will thank God for the time that you allowed HIM to fix me. As He heals every pain in my heart and how he removes every fear that I have, so that, my love, when you see me, you will see how God worked and is working in and through me before I can be ready to face this life with you, so for the last time my love…..
Let’s not hurry on finding love. Let God put you and me together to be in-love.